rumination

2010-10-02T13:36:00.000-07:00

And try too hard. try too hard. try too hard.

haha... Oh man. Why do I do this? When I stop worrying about trying to be cool with a bunch of people I like, I general find other people that become best friends with me. THIS is why I don't like drinking. I typically do it to prove a point or try and fit in. My head hurts now....

2010-09-26T01:59:00.001-07:00

I don't know how females back then did this.. it's like my lower half is on fire. I just want to curl up in a ball and wait to be consumed by internal pain....

2010-09-21T08:00:00.000-07:00

How can she be "so content... so happy" when she hasn't talked to me in several months? Does that make her happy? to be isolated from her sister? Why is it that I care about it more and therefore it hurts me more? Does that mean that it's my fault? That I'm feeling guilty and that's the reason that these thoughts consume and hurt me? Or is it that I just don't know how to love someone and not something? That I don't act out of love for a person I act out of "being loving" or an ideal that I try to uphold as "the right thing to do"

Apparently I was all wrong about my housing situation as well. The big thorn in my side has decided that she just "needs her space" and that's all that's behind the fact that she does not talk to either of her other roommates at all when she's not in class. She doesn't say hello and she doesn't say goodbye. The most she says to either of us is to ask us if it's ok if her family and friends from back home can invade our house and sleep in the living room for more than a week. Why is it that everything that issues forth from her mouth is a request? Are we nothing but stationary objects that have no personal value? I may like my space, but I still want to at least talk to the people who share it with me. Is that a hard thing to do? Am I PMSing right now? Why is it that this issue only bothers me?

As for you Corbin, I think that your help is not help at all and that your profession is just a load of glorified and overpriced crap. I know that depressed people filter things negatively, if I didn't know that I'm not sure I wouldn't question my intelligence. You essentially have told me that I'm depressed. Thanks, I truly appreciate how much your insight has added to my previous knowledge. Wonderful. By the way, if you write angry song lyrics to get rid of your feelings that's fine, but everything about you down to the way you walk tells me in my gut that you have unresolved issues of your own and that you're not stable enough to counsel anyone. Especially with your reaction to the fact that I didn't want to be counseled. You should have accepted it calmly, but you were irritated that someone who "needed help" didn't want to partake in your gloriousness and pill dispensing capability. Jog on lady.

Shark face? I think you're probably the most disorganized and most irritated and inexperienced faculty member I've ever met. You want to tell me stuff I already know after I've told you that I know it. Plus, you would like others to jump through unnecessary hoops to make you appear like a more organized and better member of the team. If you pass off responsibility to mere children, you do not know what you're doing.

2010-09-09T01:15:00.001-07:00

This girl is killing me

2010-08-13T20:34:00.000-07:00

That I Am,

thank you. This is rather Bruce Almighty-ish of me. But thank you. I don't know what you're doing with me life and I'm scared. But thank you for whatever this was tonight. I will try my very best to forgive my sister and to put away bad thoughts of her. I've missed you... I felt like you cast me aside though you say you won't. I'm sorry I've been gone... but I'm coming back now. You know that's the way things are... that eventually everyone knows they need you. I need you. I'm sorry and I need you. I need your forgiveness... Your connection to the high of infinity is the most pure drug I think mortals can indulge in without fear of withdrawals. If only we could follow your demands. Keep me close for I tend to wander. Do with me what you will. I am my best when you're with me... Thank you

2010-08-10T17:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Jon,

What a terrible way to start a post considering the recent movie premier. At any rate, dear Jon, I'm irritated with you. You haven't talked to me in quite awhile and have made zero effort to keep me in your life. I want to talk to you and I still want to be friends. I'm sorry that I've fallen in love with someone else, but please try and be happy for me. You should know by now that I will always love you even if it's not in the way that I thought way back when. You mean so much to me and I feel like it's so much of a waste to let things just fade away. You have a new life and so do I, but I feel like that shouldn't change communication ties between us. I've called you and I've messaged you. Frankly, I'd be getting further with a brick wall than with you at this point. It seems that you are willing to keep u with almost everyone you're friends with EXCEPT me. I do not believe this is any way to treat a friend.

2010-07-29T20:10:00.000-07:00

I miss my family life the way I remember it when I was very little. I miss my girl friends and I miss my old friends. I feel extremely isolated and disorientated. I love my new family, but in their absence I feel exceedingly lonely. I don't know what I want to do with my life and somehow witnessing a death makes me lust after it like a thirsty man in the desert. My boyfriend told me that his grandmother had a smile on her face while she was taking a nap and that she was mouthing words like she was talking to someone. His family thinks that she was talking to her lost husband or maybe her lost daughter. I almost let out a sob on the phone because I want that to be where I am now. It seems so silly to want the end at the beginning... but that is how I feel.

I don't have a direction and that makes me want the end so badly I cannot describe it. I love my boyfriend very much... and I think that without him I would probably just wander off somewhere. He makes me happy as much as he can and he loves me. I wish I were the kind of person to drag him up the way he's attempting to drag me.

Ghastly Inactivity

2010-07-13T13:28:00.000-07:00

There's something ghastly about realizing that you have nothing you want to do. Finding the means to pay for college and cutting off a lot of the stress attached to that has actually sent me into a void of inactivity. I no longer want to read, prepare for future classes, or even move. Maybe it's the heat, or maybe it's the nausea, maybe the stomach issues, or maybe it's just plain laziness. There are plenty of things I should do, but none that seem to jump out at me as things that I want to do. I discovered that I no longer have interest in the career I had picked out as a good way to make some money. Perhaps if I had different tools and the patience to watch tutorials, I could survive and get through to next year's tuition. Unfortunately for me, I just don't want to do anything.

2010-07-02T11:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Dad,

I really wish that you could understand that I do not need to be at your house when there is nothing I can do that would improve our situation. You have to accomplish a few things before we can move on in to meaningful actions. I have to work on a few preliminaries myself, but I can do those better when you are not repeating the plan of action you have told me at least a dozen times before. Indeed, I find that I work the best when other people are not talking to me about things that increase my stress level. I just wanted to write to you so that I can let my feelings about you go. I seem to have trouble letting anything about you convert to a positive thought or feeling.

I will always love you. I'm sorry that right now I don't really want to talk to you.

Religious Confusion

2010-07-01T09:29:00.001-07:00

Today I want to have a giant poll that screams "WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON FREE WILL????"

Last night I realized that my own thoughts on predestination were going to get me killed in the most serious and concrete way possible. I haven't been as low in quite some time and I hope I don't go back there any time soon. Since I have trouble having a "personal relationship" with God, I do not know what I want from life or how to deal with what I have been given. Predestination is possibly the worst view point for me because it makes me lethargic and pessimistic. I want to trust God to have destined us all the right way, however I do not want to envision that possibly we're all just living to suit His amusement.

I haven't been converted away from predestination just yet, but I think that with time I could be. I already feel as though I'm moving in that direction. If you believe in free will than all the motivational books or speeches you've ever heard make so much more sense. They tell you that you are "as happy as you make up your mind to be" and that you can "choose how you want to view the world". For a person who believes we have no choice, these were some tough lines to swallow. Yes determination can win you some spectacular results, but the argument remains that God is the one to grant you that feeling. And as for "choosing" how you want to view things, you can see a predestination believer's qualm with that one. The belief in free will itself probably serves to motivate you out of bed sometimes. You can "choose" to get out of bed or you can "choose" to languish away waiting for God to give you energy. I am in no way saying that once you do get up, that the energy was not a gift from God. But with free will, you feel like you are in charge of how you feel and what you do.

Beginning a new path

2010-06-23T14:40:00.001-07:00

Today is going to be devoted to finding a new job, accelerating an existing job idea, and applying for school loans.

As of today I was officially written up for the first time at work due to a mistake on my part in remembering which time I said I'd be working for someone. In truth I suppose it was all my fault. But I never received a call from work even though they said they called me.. Not only this but my work place has gone to pot because management plays favorites to the point of absurdity. My boyfriend happens to be a manager there and has been for a very long time. Now that we're dating, they automatically assume that it will hurt our work performance. In addition, they hired completely incompetent people both to perform main but common jobs but also to be promoted into positions of slightly more influence. There are a few notable exceptions to this as there always are, but of course there are a great many highly irksome examples as well.

All in all, I feel the need to escape this chapter of my life. My job can be boring, but when everyone does their job and you work together, it can be a lot of fun. This year has shown me how poorly managed my workplace is. Not only this but it has shown me that I can no longer associate with those who have no pride in their jobs. The days to sit back and watch are completely obliterated. I am too experienced and too thorough to stand by and let others perform in the sloppy half-baked manner with which a good portion of American society has deemed acceptable and average.

Not Out of the Woods Yet

2010-06-22T16:00:00.000-07:00

Today I spent the good majority cleaning up someone else's mess. Now that my back hurts, my feet are sore, and I can finally move without tripping... I realize that I'm not really living. Each day I wake up with low expectations on the day, I go to sleep feeling like the day was mediocre or draining, and I sleep just enough to have low energy for the next uneventful day. I haven't had an amazing life at all. I've had lemons my entire life except when I was very young and everything bad was kept from me.

"I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck the marrow out of life; and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived." -Henry David Thoreau

I first encountered that quote while watching a very good movie by the name of The Dead Poet's Society. "Seize the day boys!" implored a young English teacher played by Robbin Williams. The boys in the movie struggle through some incredible hardship, but they also found a way to experience things so that they felt alive. In other words, the sleep walk I call living would have been better suited to a dog in the minds of those who choose to live fully.

For the last few days I've had a strange hope that maybe I might be blessed with an easy solution to my financial problems. This hope was cast into the fire last night and in many senses I feel as though I've been rebuked or shunned. I correlated this solution to some kind of a sign from God that all my college ambitions will not be in vain. Doubt and uncertainty can be very cold mistresses. In order to progress from here and learn to live with a positive attitude about bitter situations, I must believe that I am completely in charge of my own state of mind, my own actions, and my own success. For someone who doesn't see how free will could exist, this is extremely difficult.

I want a relationship with God, but I feel like I move so slowly when I think of Him or try and "be friends" with Him. I feel like all I can do is pray a little and hope that I find some kind of understanding about the events around me. I don't know if I'll ever have a personal relationship with God. There are lots of people I know who claim to have a "personal relationship" with Him, but I've decided I don't know what that means. I don't believe He actually audibly speaks to anyone who isn't extremely rare and elect. How can you have a personal relationship with someone or something that doesn't talk to you? Am I missing the signs? Isn't there something in the Bible that says "seek and you shall find"? ... I think Christ said something once about how none of us have truly sought out God. Religiously... I am a baby and I do not know how to truly live. I've come to this conclusion before, and now I'm afraid I may be coming to again. I feel like I need to just ignore God and thoughts of God until He decides He wants me.

Fear

2010-06-14T09:36:00.000-07:00

"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." - Yoda

Today I realized that I'm afraid. There's a lot riding on my ability to collect funds for college. There are a lot of people who are expecting me to go to Switzerland in the fall because "it's all been taken care of." So besides my own fear of disappointing myself or letting myself fall into mediocrity, I'm also afraid of letting other people down. However, this morning I decided to write because I found that I was afraid of what has already been planned for the benefit of mankind. If I were to truly have faith I wouldn't be afraid of the future because it is God's future and His plan. He is taking care of me and everyone else and if things don't go exactly the way I wanted them too, I should be happy in the fact that they are better for us all eventually.